Removing the Dead from Within You

Last weekend I had an extra-special opportunity to sit under twinkling lights while chatting with friends up and down a beautifully arranged king’s table. Maybe you do this often, but I don’t. And because I don’t, I was able to enjoy every little detail, down to the comforting playlist that warmed my ears all night. Our friend was the chef who prepared the food, and every bite brought a smile to everyone’s face, but especially mine. Because the event was so fancy, though, I was forced to resist licking my plate.

At the end of the evening my friend handed me a gorgeous centerpiece, which I proudly carried home and placed on the center of my table. Chris and I thanked Gigi for watching the kids and we drifted to sleep dreaming of pear vinaigrette, sage infused brown butter, braised 28 day dry-aged bison short ribs, and of course the apple pie pot de creme that concluded the evening.

I’m still drooling.

Here we are now, five days later, and this morning I knew it was time to pull a few of the dying flowers out of the centerpiece. And as I did, I thought to myself how wonderful it is that a small act of removing the dead perks the rest of the thriving flowers up in a new and refreshing way. The ones still standing have a little more room to breathe, and a little more space to shine — no longer squished by the decaying ones — the ones that were clogging the vase.

I tossed a few into the garbage, replaced the water, and sat the vase back out on my table giving the happy blooms another chance to offer beauty to our home.

And while my morning chores may seem like a waste of time to read, I did wonder how many of us needed to do the same — but not with flowers, of course — with ourselves.

Stick with me.

Last night, right before bed, my husband Chris showed me a video of Botham Jean’s brother, Brandt, giving the most powerful final statement to the former police office who had shot and killed his brother. The brother looked at Amber Guyger in the eyes and said, “I forgive you … And I know if you go to God and ask Him, He will forgive you.”

Brandt stood up and hugged his brother’s murderer. Right there in the courtroom, at her sentencing. How is this possible?

I believe Brandt was removing the dead within him. What causes a living person to be dead inside? Anger, rage, bitterness, resentment, disgust, hate. Brandt, a man I do not know, made it publicly clear that he was choosing grace and life over unforgiveness and death.

Now, hear me. This is Brandt’s story. Not mine. Could I have done it? I don’t know. But I do know, as a Christ follower myself, that Brandt acted like Christ in that moment. He didn’t wish the worst for this woman — in fact he said, “I'm not going to say I hope you rot and die, just like my brother did. ... I personally want the best for you.”

I also don’t know Amber but I do believe that Brandt, if only for a moment, breathed life into the death that was trapped within her.

What is death within us? I’m not talking about illness or the actuality that one day your life will end. I’m speaking to the dying, decaying things within you that grip you and are causing your actual living, breathing life to wilt. Are you aware of anything in you that is causing decay? Can you think of some grudge you are holding. Sin you are keeping. Lie you are telling. Fear you are clutching that is keeping you from attempting something new?

If you’re reading this and you’ve made it this far — I imagine you know what yours is. And you know it’s not helping you — in fact it’s keeping you from moving forward because you’ve allowed it to go on so long that not only has it died within you but its rottenness is spreading to the other good parts of you.

Any chance you can vocalize what it is?

Any chance you can admit it out loud?

Any chance you can find someone to tell?

Maybe you’re having an affair. Maybe you’re sneaking a peek at some trashy stuff online. Maybe you’re hiding in the pantry eating alone in tears because you’re sad at the way life is going. Maybe you have allowed a dream to die too soon. Maybe your hopes of becoming (fill in the blank) have been replaced with lies that you tell yourself. Maybe you tell yourself you can’t get up to go to the gym, take a walk, or meet a friend for coffee because your anxiety or depression is holding you back.

Maybe if you spoke it out loud to someone you would see that’s how you start to remove the dead.

The more you pluck — the more dead you remove from within you — the more you give the bounty of what’s left of your life a chance to shine beauty to those around you.

What are you holding onto that needs to be removed?

About ten years ago, Chris and I got pregnant. It was a few months after we were married. We were excited and scared but thankful. I went to my first appointment for an ultrasound where the baby’s heartbeat was very slow. My doctor told us to wait two weeks and return. In that two weeks, that little baby’s heartbeat stopped and I was told to prepare for a miscarriage. They wanted me to do a DNC immediately. Well. No, I said. I’d like to wait and see what happens naturally. I mentally and emotionally had zero capacity to just remove the baby like it was something clogging my uterus. So, we waited. Nothing. A few days went by. Nothing. I started feeling really sad and heavy. My heart was heavy, my body felt heavy. Days went on. Nothing. The doctor said it was time. We scheduled my DNC and I cried through it. I didn’t want to lose this baby — even though my little baby’s heartbeat had already gone to be with the Lord.

I was carrying around death.

I woke up after my DNC feeling better. I went home and rested. My heart still ached but I felt lighter. My reality still existed but my body was healthier. I was able to start something new again. We remember that baby. But a year later we welcomed our daughter, Olive.

Our sad cleansing of my womb made room for a safe place for Olive to grow and thrive.

Are you holding on to something that is keeping you from thriving?

God says he is always making all things new. And no matter what you are holding on to — that means you, too.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Isaiah 43:18-19

Is there something you need to do today? Do yourself a favor and try.